The pain of childbirth.
The pain of brokenness.
The pain of worry.
The pain of suffering.
The pain of guilt.
The pain of sacrifice.
A dark, dark cave of the hells most evil demons surround me, consumes me, taunts me with my faults and flaws.
I am not good enough. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.
"You have failed" the demons say. "You will fail again".
Over and over they taunt me. Over and over the fingers point at my failures and the piercing laughter fills my ears.
"It's your fault people are suffering. You shouldn't have told them your secret."
Louder and louder they taunt me. Less and less of my security and reason for being is felt.
"There is a way out." they whisper in my ear, "You know the way out".
There is nothing of me left. There is no thought of my own. I am not a woman, I am not human. I am worthless. I am no one.
"There IS a way out" the demons haunt. "You KNOW the way out".
What is the way out they keep telling me? What can I do to relieve this burden, this pain, this despair?
I am no one. I am nothing. I am not worth the air I breath.
"There's the way out.... look." The demons fill my mind with every way imaginable to end it all. I don't want to do any of them. I am afraid of the pain. I am afraid of failing the unthinkable. I am afraid of what happens after words.
"There, that scarf. THERE! Get it. Around your neck. Tightly. Pull hard. Harder. Harder!"
It's been two hours. I awake from failed suicide. I knew I would fail even before I tried. I'm not even worth my own time on earth. The demons have left me for the moment. I hear nothing. Not even my own breathing. Maybe this is the hell that I have crossed over to.
Suddenly, I feel my heart beating, softly at first, then louder and louder until I feel like it's going to burst from my chest. My breathing quickens. I burst into tears and sob. Everything the demons have taunted me with is true, it must be true, just look at me.
I cry until I no longer have tears. I can not possibly go any farther that rock bottom, but I know I have even dug a hole in that proverbial earth and am beneath it.
As I lay there, my throat burning from strangulation, my eyes red and swollen, my body, mind and spirit dead to all feelings, I lay there thinking, "why".
I hear music. Sweet music. Soft, can't quite make it out. But I know I can hear it. I'm sure of it. I hold my breath in hopes to hear it more clearly. I suddenly feel a tug at my heart, like it had skipped a beat. In my ear I hear the words "I love you". Those words surround me. Like stepping out in fresh rain after a long drought. Like the warmth of a blanket when I am cold. Like falling deep into a pool of refreshing water.
"I love you" I hear again. Who is this, I wonder.
"I love you. You are mine. You are my creation".
"But who are you?" I gasped because I realized I said the words out loud and there is no one around me.
"I am your Maker. Your Heavenly Father. God".
What do you want with me?
"Your life"
My life? What could he mean by my life? I can't even give it away with suicide.
"Give Me your heart, believe in Me. I will give you new life. I will give you hope, purpose, peace in all things. I will not fail you nor will I ever leave you, but I will pick you up and carry you when you fall. You will not stumble without My knowing. You will not carry any burdens, but I will carry them for you. All of your failures, past and future do not exist in My eyes, should you let Me hold you in My hand. Choose Me and I will save you. I will never let you go."
Suddenly, understanding. It's a choice? I can choose to live in my pit of hell where the demons of my life can torture me, or I can choose God to save me from that and even from myself and have peace?
The choice is easy, but the demons are not so quick to let me go. "How do you know it's going to work?" They ask in my ear. "Are you SURE it's going to work? Have you ever seen it work before? You'll just be back in your hole again with us as soon as you fail again. You'll see".
"Faith." God tells me. "Have faith as child, faith as much as a mustard seed and you will be saved".
I can manage a mustard seed. What do I have to lose? Nothing. I have nothing else to lose.
"No!" the demons scream at me. "You can't do it!"
My heart races. Faster and faster is beating. It feel like a horse running at full speed. I hear, can even feel the fight for my soul as the demons deepen their claws in me. I realize I'm crying again. I can't stop. I want the pain to stop.
Stop.
Stop.
STOP.
"Yes God. I believe you will save me. I know I am not worthy of even being acknowledged by You, as You are perfect and holy. I have done many wrongs, made many bad choices. I can't take them back. I'm sorry that I have done such awful things. I have failed as a human being. Forgive me Lord. I give my heart, my life, every fiber of my being to You."
All of a sudden, white light feels like its being poured on my head. I can see it as paint running down a wall. The feeling of heaviness, of loneliness, of all of my failures past and future are lifted from me as a thousand pound weight.
Peace.
Peace.
PEACE.
I am refreshed, renewed, reborn! It's as if morning light is spilling through the cracks of my heart, breaking me free from the darkness. No longer do the demons have a clutch on my heart. No longer are they tormenting me. Just me and God. Peace and Love.
The air smells sweeter. The light is brighter. I feel as if I could touch the sky and dance on the clouds.
I have been saved.
---------
This is a true story. This is my testimony. I truly did have a secret. It was of sexual abuse that I had endured between the ages of ten and twelve. When I told my parents about the abuse, my closely knit family was suddenly thrown into a pit of hell. I believed at the time that it was my fault and if I never said anything then my family would never have suffered so much.
I really did try to commit suicide at the age of twelve, with a scarf, because I couldn't take the pain or the demons torturing me anymore. I'm so thankful that I failed.
It was shortly after my failed suicide that came to know the Lord. Now, I grew up in church, memorized lots of Bible verses, knew the talk, but that's about as good as knowing all about the Queen of England and never actually meeting her.
The day that I got saved, it truly was a battle for my soul. I can still hear the demons screaming at me to not do it and how it wasn't going to work, and so on and so forth. But the moment I asked God into my heart, to save me, the VERY second I asked for forgiveness, was when the demons left me, and the white light and pure unadulterated peace filled me.
June 15th 1995 is my second birthday. The day I was saved and reborn. Now my life didn't get easier overnight like magic and all my problems went away. Oh no, no, no. I had many MANY more battles to go through. Am still going through. But I'm not fighting them alone now. God kept to His promise, His Vow of Hope, and has always been there with me every step of the way.
I never have to carry my burdens, though sometimes I try, and that's when I fail again, but God is right there to pick me up and carry me again. I never have to worry, though I still do all of the time because I'm a worrier, but God alway gently reminds me that He is in control of EVERYTHING and all I have to do is trust Him.
I look back at the last sixteen years and see all of the battles and even outright wars that I had to go through. Some of them I didn't even realize I was in, but with each one of them I see how at the time I couldn't find a solution, I couldn't see a way out, and am now even amazed at how Gods was there providing, helping me, getting me through it. I'm a better person now because of those trials.
My life is new. I have eternal hope, eternal peace, and eternal life because God saved me and I chose Him over hell itself. One day, I will be with the Lord, my Maker, my Creator, and be home and that is my hope, my peace, my longing. Though I'm only ready when God is ready for me.
Psalm 34:18: The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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